Another loud voice in the Internet wilderness

Occasionally I babysit my friend Sylvia’s kid. Kelvyn just passed a year old and is cute as a button. And generally pretty easy to watch.

So this night me, the kid, my boy Kiko, and my buddy Henry were sitting in my living room watching TV. I’m in my throne, Kiko’s on the couch and Henry had just strolled in high as a kite. I look over at Kelvyn in his stroller and he’s squirming a little bit. I thought maybe he’s getting sleepy, let me pick him up.

BIG MISTAKE

I get him about 2 inches off the stroller and this smell just slaps me in the face. I cringed, Kiko runs out of the room like it’s a drug raid and poor Henry loses his high. Suddenly I’ve got a squirmy baby with a shitty diaper on my hands. What now? Or as Bugs Bunny would say, “think fast rabbit”.

Luckily his mother always drops him off with food and baby accessories so I grab the bag with his diaper stuff in it and his blanket. As I take him into the into the bedroom to change him I think “Gee it would be a shame to get this shit oozing out of his diaper on the blanket, never mind my bed”. So I grab a newspaper and take it with me.

That’s right a newspaper. If you had seen the nuclear waste coming out of this kid’s ass you would too.

I put the blanket down, throw the newspaper on top, and proceed with Operation Meltdown. After removing the offending diaper I start wiping the kid off and run out of wipes. There had to be a pound of chocolate pudding style shit in there. I yell at Kiko to bring me some wet ones I had in the living room. When I did this I made the mistake of letting his legs go for a second. Kelvyn proceeds to take off across the bed. I grabbed him just before he spread his legacy across the sheets. That f@*&$g Kiko walks in sees this, and laughs his ass off.

I tell him to stop laughing and give me a hand. He laughs even louder at this suggestion and walks away as he’s on the phone with one of his hos and can’t be bothered with such triviality. So I finally get Kelvyn clean and reach for a clean diaper. When I lift his bottom back up I see that the newsprint from the paper has left an impression. One cheek now has black lettering, the other red. I briefly consider putting the diaper on and giving him back to his mother like this. I then run the scenario through my mind of the angry phone call I’d get later or worse her banging on my door later that night threatening to kill me. So I cleaned him up again and called his mom to tell her what happened. After laughing her ass off she chewed me out about the newspaper, but understood.