Another loud voice in the Internet wilderness

Back before the days of Video and Cable, certain films you could only see once a year. Wizard of Oz was one of those. Every Thanksgiving it would come on along with the all day Godzilla fest. I was never a huge fan of the film, but was fascinated by others love of the film.

One day I was flipping the channel and I came across it on TBS. I started watching it and saw it through to the end. When that assclown Wizard hightails it out of Oz in a balloon, poor Dorothy is left to worry how she’ll get home. That’s when Glinda, the “good” witch tells her she could have left two hours ago.

Why did she wait so long? Cause Dorothy was an unwitting Patsy in Glinda’s scheme to take over Oz/Munchkinland. Here’s how:

Glinda, the “Good” Witch of the North wanted to run shit but was blocked by the Wicked Witch of The West and her sister the Wicked Witch of the East. (What happened to the Witch of the South we shall leave alone for now. That and inserting a picture of Paula Deen, TOO easy) She was outnumbered and probably because of some prohibition against Witch-on-Witch rubouts could not directly attack them. Enter Dorothy. When she and the house fell on Ms East in the midst of strong arming the Munchkins Glinda smelled an opportunity.

See that? Dorothy never coveted those shoes! Glinda put them on her. Dorothy was still dumbstruck over being able to see in color for the first time.

Anywho, after Ms West left Glinda sent her off to see her henchman, the “Wizard”. As it would take time for Dorothy to walk/dance/sing over there ,Glinda could shoot herself over there first to set the next part of her scheme in motion. Glinda flew there and told the “Wizard” to instruct her to get Ms West’s broom, knowing full well, it would have to be pried out of her cold dead hands.

Now suppose Dorothy had failed? Suppose Ms West had taken out Dorothy and gotten her sister’s Jordan’s back? Nothing could be traced back to Glinda. No harm no foul.  Very Hyman Roth like of her hmmm? Now once Dorothy inadvertently snuffs out Ms West (Who would have guessed she was allergic to water? I had no idea she drove a New York cab in the summer? Thank you! Try the veal!) She and her crew go back to the bullshit ass Wizard, who after being exposed as a fraud pays off the Tin Man** with some cheap ass heart shaped Dolce and Gabbana knock off watch, the Scarecrow with a diploma from ICDC college and the punk ass Lion with some medal he found at Goodwill.

But what about Dorothy? The Wizard at first offers to take her home in his balloon. But then I’ll bet he had some big ass debts and or warrants back in Kansas and if he showed back up in a balloon with an underaged girl he’d be violating the Mann Act and was not fucking with the feds. And seizing the opportunity to flee the yoke of Glinda, pretended to not have any control of said balloon and took off. Glinda’s crafty ass probably figured this out. She could have waved that wand and shot his ass right out of the sky. But to do so would have revealed her true nature. Now was not the moment to do so.

So she lets Dorothy know she’s had the means to return to her Sepia colored home all this time. Dorothy clicks her heels says the magic words and is gone. I’ll bet the heels stayed. And Glinda seized them and used their power to erect statues of herself all over the place and put the Munchkins to work in sweat shops creating designer knockoffs.

** like America sang “Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man that he didn’t, didn’t already have”